I don't know why but the thought of playing in a competition fills me with dread sometimes.
I like the royal game but quite often, the competitive side of things weighs on my mind. I've seen chess players practically "lose" it in the heat of competition and I wonder to myself,"Do I want to behave like that?"
Chess also brings out a side of me that is not always pleasant. I find that in competition, I tend to be extremely harsh and hard on myself and that sometimes translates to the exhibition of anger, which is very unlike me, when I am not playing.
Chess sometimes, seems to me like a sadist game. When you get beaten, you want to keep coming back for more. And even if you do win, you hunger for more success.
This is most true in any other competitive sport. But for me chess is also something to pass time, something that I feel is frivolous beyond the 64 squares. A hobby.
So how does one reconcile to having fun to one where you put an intense amount of energy and effort to win?
My opponent tonight is Ian Dickson and I am playing Black. Part of me wants to defeat my opponent, the other part says,"Hold on, it's only a game."
Do I really want to treat it with the seriousness and intensity it requires to play at an optimum level? Decisions, decisions.